“Seeing the color change in her face and her eyes look away, I knew I was not getting the reaction I desired.  In the moment, it felt like the most natural thing to say, but oh how I wished for a do over”.  Can you relate?  You know the moment when it did not play out like it did in your mind. This happens most when we get upset or angry and say the first thing that comes to our mind.  Our heart rate rises, emotions become more intense, and we lose clarity of thought.  It is in these moments we present our most ineffective communication skills and create distance from those we love most.  Most of us don’t spend our time thinking of ways to push our mate away, decrease our sex life, and lessen the possibility of our dreams coming true in our relationships;  although we may give someone this impression by our reaction to our mate during conflict.

Could it be true that there really is a voice inside of our heads giving us bad direction and creating mayhem in our lives?  Well I do believe there is some truth in this idea.  It is our inner voice which arises when we feel threatened or challenged in some way.  Coaching us to “push back”, “give them what for”, “let them have it”, and/ or “give them a piece of your mind”.  Please don’t misunderstand me; no one should be a doormat.  We need to be able to set boundaries with one another.  It is the way we set those boundaries that will bring the most return of what we truly desire.  Some of the most damaging communication is presented in the form of criticism. Its presence is usually made known or sensed in a degrading voice tone, mannerism, word choice, and/or body posture.  It leads us down the path to contempt and bitterness between us and someone else.  It is a defense designed to create distance from the other person.  We create distance from others in an effort to protect ourselves but miss out on truly getting our needs met.

I guess you can see how these types of reactions may get in the way, when attempting to develop, design, and grow relationships you so deeply desire.  If your reactions to your mate are not getting you the response you desire, such as turning their heart towards you, then you may be expressing your complaints and desire with some amount of criticism.  This will only lead to deeper hurt and less of what you desire most.  My encouragement to you today is to begin expressing your needs, wants, and desires to your mate with the same respectful consideration you would give your best customer, favorite coworker, and/or someone you really respect in your community.  Using this train of thought as a filter should help you get back on the path of getting the response you truly desire from your significant other.  

If you feel successful in most areas in your life but seem to be missing something in your relationships, call me today for a free thirty minute consult.  I can help you develop more fulfilling relationships in your life.